How you remind me
by samanddianefan10
Summary: It's Ennis' first summer without Jack and he travels to the mountain to reflect on his time with Jack. Contains major spoilers for the movie- don't want to know- don't read


For Jessie and Sanda

A Brokeback Mountain story

Major Spoilers

My first one, I hope you like it

This couldn't be happening. Jack couldn't be dead. Not after everything they had been through. Not after everything they had shared. This was some mistake. They were going to meet again, like they always did. It was always understood, even if life got in the way. Jack was always there. That was the one thing in his life he could count on. He couldn't count on too many things, not even himself. Especially himself.

Who would have thought that he would have been-this way? There were no words for the way he was. He was not one of those people. He would deny it to the day he died. After all he had been married and was a father. He didn't know what he was. Ennis was a man's man, a tough guy, rough around the edges. What you saw was what you got. Apparently not. No one knew what went on those summers. It was no one's business.

So he drove out there, out to their place, in total silence. He thought about turning on the radio but the voices in his head were loud enough. Sometimes he could hear Jack's voice, sometimes he could hear his own, sometimes it was his ex-wife's. He would get mad and honk the horn, hoping to drown out those voices but it didn't do any good. They were there, always there. Especially Jack's. What was he doing, driving all this way out in the middle of nowhere? There was no point, especially without him. That was their place, that was the only place Ennis felt alive. Alive. Ironic. Jack was dead and now Ennis was going out of his way to feel alive again.

He drove all night, pulling over at truck stops for fuel and food, and finally arrived at his destination. Was it always so quiet? Ennis didn't remember it being so- still. He looked around, not knowing what he expected it to be. He got out of his vehicle, half expecting to be greeted with a warm embrace. If he closed his eyes he could still feel Jack around him.

For a minute Ennis thought that he was betraying Jack just by being there. That was their place, their land, their secret. That was where they went when they wanted to be alone, to get away, to be together. And now there he was… for those very same reasons. He wanted to be with Jack. And this was the only place he could be with him anymore. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair. When he stopped to think about what had happened to him…

That was the problem. He hadn't stopped to think about it. But it was real. Jack was dead. He wasn't coming back. There would be no more laughter, no more meetings, no more secret looks, no more whatever it was they did that made him feel like no other person had. It was over. A part of his life had been killed along with Jack. Nothing could ever bring that side of him back to life again. What did this all mean? Did he go crawling back to his ex-wife? Did he like guys now? Was that a one time deal? Or worse yet, would he be alone for the rest of his life?

He would prefer to be alone than to ever go through this again. Ennis had never imagined feeling a loss so deeply, so profoundly, that every ounce of his being ached. It hurt just to think. That's why he had to get away. He couldn't be a father, not now, and he sure couldn't be an ex-husband or a friend or anything to anyone when he couldn't even take care of himself. He tried to look in the mirror and he didn't like what he saw. All he saw was a broken down shadow of a man who didn't know what he was anymore. Ennis needed Jack to remind him of who he was. And now Jack was gone and Ennis didn't know who he was anymore. He pulled out his sleeping bag and crawled down to the ground, sleeping for the better part of a day.

When he woke, it was dusk, his and Jack's favorite time of day. It was time to play. Ennis half-smiled. He could almost feel his presence with him there on the hard ground. Jack never would have let him sleep all day. There were too many things they could have done. Like explore the land. Go fishing. Or..Ennis couldn't even finish the thought. There were no words for what they had shared. It didn't mean they were gay. That was too simple. He hated that word.

And so Ennis stayed for two weeks, sorting out his mind, cleansing his soul, whatever he needed to do to try to get Jack off his mind. It didn't work, but it helped. As he drove back, he finally turned the radio on. Jack's favorite song came on. Ennis smiled. He knew that he wasn't running away from him, but taking him with him. And eventually, he knew he could learn to live with that.

The end 


End file.
